


Homo Apparatus

by lilmaibe



Series: HEM-lads [2]
Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe, Android, Gen, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-04-16
Updated: 2011-04-18
Packaged: 2017-10-18 04:31:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/185009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilmaibe/pseuds/lilmaibe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can anything good come of a freak lightning hitting a certain part of the Unseen University? At least for one mind on the campus. Yes, the story is what the title suggests. Reviews and critique encouraged and welcome.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. File 1:Octarine Lightnight

It would have been wrong to call what was going on over Ankh-Morpork a freak thunderstorm.

Those storms were orderly and predictable compared to this weather phenomenon.

Given, two things were predictable about it after all:

First: It was worst above the Unseen University. Especially since this very night the protective spells around the grounds vanished for an unknown reason. The gods were certainly eager to take this oppurtunity.

Second: This guaranteed that someone had already forced Rincewind up the roof to get down metallic parts that were connected to Hex.

At least someone had tried to force him up onto the roof of the HEM-building. But Rincewind, in addition to having started to run the moment Archchancellor Ridcully had merely pronounced the 'Rin-' of his name, had remembered two old sayings: 'Hide in plain sight,' and 'When faced with incompetent javelin throwers, sit at where they are aiming.'

Therefore he was hiding right in Hex' room, hoping dearly that the faculty would not actually have javelins with them. One never knew. Nonetheless, this, to him, appeared to be the safest room. Everyone else was hurrying around the university grounds to make sure none of the buildings would get hit.

After all, the wizard knew what could possibly happen.

To think about it, why did Ponder Stibbons first go to Ridcully to have that one order him, Rincewind, to climb the bloody roof and get the stuff up there down?

The chances he would die up there were unthinkably high.

The chances of something worse happening to him on the roof... higher.

Grumpily, he blocked the door with a chair before sitting down in front of Hex, staring at the machine.

Ponder, with a heavy heart, had turned it off when the storm had started.

Better safe than sorry. Not a wrong thought.

And yet, all of the sudden the quill started quivering and Rincewind heard some whirring noises.

+++The storm is still raging+++

The wizard gulped and stepped back.

+++Rincewind?+++

"...Yes?" It was no use. Hex 'knew' who was in the room, even if that someone made not a single sound.

+++Is it wise to hide in the room with the most metal in the whole university? The one that has 37.9510 direct connections to the outside?+++

Rincewind took a deep breath and told Hex the sayings.

"Knowing my life, this here IS the safest place in the University right now. Maybe...no...likely in the whole universe.

+++Interesting. Yet despite your certainty you are scared+++

"I'm always scared. It's healthy in the long run."

+++What exactly are you scared of?+++

"Look, as I said: I know my life. The moment I'd step out of this room a lightning would hit ...you... what would, what do I know, for some reason transport me into a different dimension where I'd have to throw shiny things around and take part in some race with glowy carriages. Or something along those lines."

Something whirred and thunder crashed outside.

+++Improbable+++

"What?"

"Rincewind! Open the door!" That was Ponder. From outside the room of course. Rincewind winced as, together with the next thunderclap, Stibbons, likely accompanied by a good bunch of students threw himself against the door in an attempt to open it.

+++Probability of events caused by direct lightning strike here:

 _Nothing happening: 0.0057%  
Prof. Rincewind getting thrown into a different dimension: 12.87%  
Prof. Rincewind getting turned into a woman: 28.65%  
Imminent death of Prof. Rincewind: 0.0021%  
Mild Damage to Hex: 27.68%+++_

The quill suddenly stopped. At this moment Ponder burst in with some other students and was about to lecture Rincewind about the dangers of Hex' destruction as he, Rincewind, had refused to get onto the roof when his, Ponders, view fell onto the list and the entry Hex was adding now.

+++Death of Hex: 30.79%+++

At first sight this wasn't odd. It was a calculation of probabilities. But then one looking at it noticed the choice of words.  
"Death? Hex, why did you choose that word?" Stibbons inquired.  
A pause, broken only by the sound of thunder again.

+++I'm scared+++

Ponder sighed. "We removed as many things from outside as we could." He grabbed at his side and held Rincewind by the collar. After all, he still had a bone to pick with the other man. "There are only two things on the roof now and they certainly aren't the highest point."

+++I'm aware+++

"You made the calculations based on the current situation?"

+++Correct. That's why I'm scared+++

With a slight frown Ponder rubbed his temples: "How can you be scared? You're not human, Hex."

The machine went silent, ink dropping from the quill.

"If I wouldn't know better I'd say he's crying..." Skazz, who was either looking at the dripping quill or the door, spoke out what everyone might have been thinking at that sight.

Everyone except for Rincewind, who had his mind set on getting out of the room now, even if the thunderstorm was still raging outside. Though with Ponder's grip still tight on his collar that was a bit hard without undressing.

"First, that's nonsense." Stibbons then said, shaking his head, "And even if... Even if I'd apologise, I could do nothing to calm him...it...None of us could. You can't hug something his...its...size."

As if on cue a lightning bolt struck the top of the HEM-building.

And a second.

And a third.

What followed then was odd to describe. Those that stood in the room witnessed flickering bits of electricity crawl all over Hex, changing colour from electric blue (of course) to a bright octarine and back until both colours spiraled around each other, creeping slowly but steadily over the machine and... blocking the door out with a network of lightning.

Rincewind, Ponder and the others huddled up, all shivering, all trying to stay as far away from the octarine lights as possible. They all waited for the explosion that should happen any moment now, but instead glowing ghostly images of various parts of Hex started floating through the air, the machine itself suddenly starting to hum softly.

"...Dude...", that Skazz brushed the hair out of his face to get a better view on the scene said a lot more about the spectacle than words ever could.

The sound became louder as the shapes flew across the room, passing through the frightened men and finally entering a spiral under the ceiling. A spiral that slowly descended, all while the sounds Hex produced reminded more and more of … breathing and heartbeat? No, that couldn't be.

The octarine electricity had vanished and everyone, except Ponder, had rushed for the door.

"Ponder!" Rincewind, Skazz, Tez and Adrian Turnipseed called out in unison, but Stibbons didn't move. Tez and Adrian jumped forward and grabbed his shoulders:

"Ponder!"

Stibbons turned his head and looked at them. "It's not a full hundred percent. The numbers don't add up. What is the remaining 0.0022% for?"

There was a horrible screech emitting from the center of the spiral and then...all was silent.

After a moment, though, the ants started scurrying through the pipes as if nothing happened. In fact, there was not the slightest sign of damage to the machine.  
The men, even Rincewind was still there, would have noticed quickly if their gaze would not have been fixed on what now stood at where second before the shapes had been flying.

Before them, dressed in dusty bronze and brown robes and a pointy hat with a miniature ram-skull attached to the hatband, stood a young man with shaggy, strawberry blond hair and quite pale, slightly glittering skin, chewing his lower lip rather nervously and looking at them with bright, metallic coloured (it was hard to tell if they were silver or gold) eyes.

"Hex creating a body for himself," he croaked, as if getting used to speaking, in answer to Ponder's question.


	2. Of the common misconception of a logical appeareance

For a very long while there was just agape staring. Even the thunder and the gods eager to take their chances given by the missing protective spells forgot their doings for a moment after Hex stood there in a human body.

Ponder was the first to move.

In fact he suddenly took of his glasses, rubbed his eyes and looked at the being before him, then down at his spectacles and shook his head at them:

"This...I'm certain there's a logical explanation for this."

"Thaum-induced mass-hallucination?" Skazz tried. It certainly was a good explanation and Ponder, who had finished cleaning his glasses, was to agree to it. The thaumic magnitude had already been astonishingly high when they initially turned Hex off and since that the storm had been getting worse and worse.

He was about to speak this out when Hex stepped forward and bopped his, Ponder's, nose.

"I'm real," the blond youngster declared in a calm, but slightly pouting voice, towards the now very irritated Reader in Invisible Writings. "I channeled the energy into a line of spells I searched for a while ago, after coming across some most interesting material in the depths of the L-Space."

Ponder blinked and once more looked at the young man before him, past him at the serene buzzing machine, and back at the blond.

"The situation was dire and required fast action," Hex continued, now speaking in a far more settled and demure tone, even though he was still croaking slightly. "You saw the alternatives."

The others nodded automatically.

With a mixture of disbelief and fascination Ponder and the others (1) moved around the 'new' human, taking a very curious, closer, and to Hex likely embarrassing, look at him.

Now, one might now think that Hex went and made what some would count as perfect body. Tall, slender yet muscled, with a soft, beautiful face and, of course, extremely male.

But that would have been something a human would have made.

Even though Hex did decide on making it an anatomical correct body, he went for something...logical.

He picked the body of a human male of about twenty common years, maybe a bit less. He was, as far as the slightly too large robes allowed it to be judged, slim but tending rather to the chubby side than to the slender. His clothes were far from looking astonishing and upon closer look many things one connected with Hex were there: The ants in form of a little bracelet, the aforementioned skull, a tiny pendant in form of a moon and, and this astonishing those who saw it, a round tattoo on the side of his neck.

"That tattoo certainly is a give-away," Adrian commented, making everyone realize what they'd gotten into.

"If someone sees him and asks we can always say he's a very ambiguous...err...ambitious member of the team."

"You know the faculty, Ponder, what do you think will they ask when they see a student with such a tattoo and hear that explanation?"

Ponder frowned. Of course he knew exactly what they'd ask. Especially the Archchancellor. Luckily for his nerves another thought struck his brain. "Hex?"

"Yes?"

"Is that body human or mechanical and just human in appearance?"

"Processing." Hex' lowered his head slightly, his eyes moving as if he was reading something. "The best definition," he suddenly raised his head again, "would be semi-biological android. This body requires the action of sleeping to function. I can consume food and beverages as well as have..."

"Thank you, that's enough..."

"This body also serves as a mobile terminal."

"Ah, like a _kneetop >."  
"Skazz!" Ponder howled, flailing his arms.  
"Are you super-strong then?" Adrian joined in. "Like a golem?"_

Hex shook his head. "I am not. I can withstand the elements, except lightning, longer than a human, but I can not lift weights that exceed the lifting force bound to this body's specifications."

"Why did you pick such a body then?"

"It was a matter of resources, Mr Turnipseed. There was only a short amount of time to channel them into the spells responsible for the desired properties of this body."

"But the lightning should have provided..."

"These spells required a gargantuan amount of thaumic energy, Mr Turnipseed. I had to choose between extraordinary physical traits or clothes. I prefer to be weak over being naked."

Ponder sighed inwardly upon this explanation, but then looked Hex, who upon closer inspection appeared a bit like a child in what he wore, up and down. "But, Hex, well, your clothes didn't turn out so well. I mean, someone will certainly comment on your hat..."  
Hex squinted up and moved a hand over the hat as if to straighten it. "There were not enough resources to make it less floppy."  
"...and that your clothes are too large."  
"That's why there weren't enough resources."

This was the point where the gods finally gathered their senses again and continued the storm. It was a bit surprising to see Hex twitch and wince at the sound of thunder.

"You are scared." Ponder placed a hand on Hex' shoulder and for a moment didn't care that the blond actually wasn't human.  
"I am. Another lightning bolt would -" Hex paused, rocked briefly on his feet and looked up at Ponder again. "It would kill me."

"You're kidding."

"For that I would require what you named sector 22. You took it offline last week."

Ponder frowned. "And I know Tez put it back on."

"After you complained Hex is not acting like Hex," Tez nagged in defence. "Told you Sector 22 is important." He paused as another thunder rolled and then blinked. "Ponder, I think you should not hold him like that. He hasn't said if he needs to breathe."

Realizing that he was hugging Hex against his chest, Stibbons winced and let go, looking as if he'd want to bury himself somewhere.

"Err...Yes." He finally composed himself again. "We best cut the remaining connections then and put you...your master terminal that is, into sleep mode. Adrian, Tez, you know what to do."

"Ponder?" Rincewind suddenly spoke up after watching the others for a moment.

"Yes?"

"You can cut those outgoing connections form here?"

"Yes. Why?"

Rincewind didn't answer. He just smacked his lips briefly and swore that if he ever again gets so drunk that his personality inverts he'll know where he'd be heading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) Again, except for Rincewind, who, due to still trying to sort these events into the right category (2) was standing motionless, his eyes fixed on his shoes.  
> (2) The normal categories would have been 'Dangerous', 'Extremely dangerous' and 'Dangerous but safer not to run'. Right now his brain was working at a maximum to get the old dusty and tight drawer that read 'Curiously and astonishingly no threat for at least one hour' open.


End file.
